Jesse Melnyk

I still miss you madly. My sister just called and said she was thinking of you. The Pee Wee ornaments are on my tree, and the kids and I will watch the Playhouse Xmas special tonight, and as ever, you will be in my thoughts. Desi has a bestie that is an amazing artist and looks just like you, and it trips me out! What are the odds? Say hi to my mom for me, she loved you a lot.

Jesse. I miss you dearly. I take you to most of the places I go. I've seen Aphex Twin play during a thunderstorm in Houston, I've hung out with múm in Iceland. Even, and especially, as I journey into parenthood - you're part of this. I find myself still seeking your validation, still trying to make you happy, proud, cherished.

I have dreams about you sometimes, I still tell people about you.

I love you.

I went to Point Isabel a couple weeks ago and finally found Jesse's bench. I don't know how I missed it for so long. I enjoyed thinking about some of our childhood memories.

Bonnie, your words brought tears to my eyes when I read " I wish I could do the last few years over and this time do them right". Although I didn't know Jesse and we have only recently communicated after so many years, I do know you and whatever you could do for Jesse was right. This I do know.

happy birthday.
35. yikes.

you would have totally loved Breaking Bad. missing you so much lately.i have stuff i want to tell you. wish you were here.
love, mom

Thinking of you. xo.

Dear Jesse,
I like to think that the afterlife has a good internet connection. It's 2am the night before thanksgiving and I am thinking of you. I think of you daily- but do a lot more of it this time of year, lots of us do.
Miss you lots small fries,
Lisa

Jesse. You were a couple of years behind me in high school. A cute, shy boy with intense brown eyes, always wearing a Nirvana t-shirt. i know if i had been your age i would have fallen for you, hard. Recently i found out that you committed suicide in late 2005. From what i can tell, you jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. And recently i was talking to a friend about how i don't think they should put that safety net up. Do i still think that? i don't know. i'm sorry you were so unsure about life... It goes without saying, you are missed. You are a strong presence permanently in the endless rambling closet of my brain. i don't think i'll ever forget your face.

I have never written anything here beacause I could never quite figure out how to articulate what Jesse meant to me or how profound our relationship was (without writing a novel anyhow).
I felt shitty for not writing, for not publicly professing that I loved this guy more than anything, that he enriched my life more than anybody ever has or ever will. We were these two awkward puzzle pieces that fit in to each other. He got me and I got him. We were never afraid to be our weirdest or most vulnerable with each other- how many people are lucky enough to ever experience that? He inspired me and I loved how we both saw and shared quirky little things. It both saddens me and heartens me when I see things that I know he would get and nobody else would. I miss being able to share these things, but I know I am blessed because for a wonderful time in my life he was there for everything.
Sometimes when I imagine an illustrated view of my heart I think that there is one huge dark and shadowed chamber, the part that misses him, but then I think again and know that that section is truly illuminated and vibrant, full of smoking rabbits and smiling sunshines that he put there and I am the luckiest girl in the universe because I got to know and love and expeience this awesome human being.

I miss him everyday. I love him eternally.

I'm thinking about Jesse. He is missed and he is loved. May his memory be for a blessing.

---Rebecca

I don't know why but today I can't get you out of my head.

Everywhere I go, people ask me about the bracelet that your mom gave me. It says "Jesse You Are Missed" with a little bunny in the middle.

How is it possible that I never really KNEW you and yet I miss you so much??

You were my world for 3 months. I wish I could have told you how you created the single best day of my life when I found out you "liked me, liked me". Thank you for that day, I don't think you realized how much it meant to me.

Just to let everyone know, there is now a memorial bench with Jesse's name
at Point Isabel Dog Park.
It's on the path that runs along the
channel.
It's nice to go there and sit and remember him.

March 12th, 2006
* For a time, Jesse Melnyk was my best friend.

This may come as a surprise to those of you who knew him later on, but when we were young, Jesse was one of the only friends i had.

I first met him in homeroom. I was a new arrival in Albany. I didn't know anyone. And if you don't know anyone in Albany, you really don't know anyone. Hence, my days were mostly filled with reading and listening to my walkman and wandering around at lunch trying to find my way into the in crowd. In class I also had a tendency to draw monsters and aliens and guys with guns rather than listen to anything the teacher had to say. Evidently this other kid across the room shared similar sentiments.

So, this kid and I, we started sitting together in class. And man could he draw. I'd never seen anything like the stuff he pulled out. We'd play this game where he'd draw something, like a guy with a sword, then I'd draw something, a robotic dinosaur perhaps, that would eat that guy with a sword. Then he'd bust out some super spaceship loaded to the nines poised to incinerate my dino. Then UFOs would appear and atomic mushroom clouds and giant turds the size of small moons would destroy planets, and I'd draw this and he'd draw that and on and on and on. The game could have been called one up or something like that, but I don't think it even had a name. And we certainly weren't one up-ing one another. We were
feeding off one each other in a creative explosion. His art inspired me and I like to think, for a time, mine inspired him.

This was Jesse and this is more or less how we met.

It can be difficult to warm your way in to a group of friends that have all known each other for years, particularly in the brutality that is middle school. Upon arrival in Albany I almost immediately burned my first bridge by disclosing an unrequited crush for Vanessa Preisler to the wrong person. This of course led to horrific scrutiny and taunting from the higher ups of the middles school elite.

Congratulations Dylan. You're on the c-team.

But Jesse didn't have any preconceptions of me. Nor was Jesse out to prove himself to anyone or reaffirm his social standing with the school population. He was too pre-occupied drawing and imagining and reading comics and playing guitar to worry about such trivial matters. Here I was spending all my energy trying to invite myself into a circle that didn't really want me and here was this kid, this individual who was inviting me over to draw a comic with him. Jesse was his own person and he offered me his friendship.

I needed someone like him in my life.

Mrs. Butch eventually separated us, but that didn't really hinder anything. If anything it just got everyone sitting between us involved. Besides, we usually hung out at his house after school anyway. We'd spend the days sketching, reading comics with Brandon Olson, sleep-overs at Scott Sanchez's. Jesse was the first person to introduce me to Nirvana. He played me souls of mischiefs 93 till infinity the first time we hung out. But one of his largest contributions to my development happened when he introduced me to Ren and Stimpy.

In fact, one of my dear material possessions is a VHS cassette tape in which Jesse had taped every episode of the show. The tape itself is stamped clearly with
Jesse's signature: you know the stickers that come with a blank VHS tape? The numbers and labels and all that? Well, they're pasted all over in a mad collage-like fashion. Poopy pants and similar crude verbatim are scribbled all over it in white ink. It's physical self is as entertaining as its contents. As for how it plays, let's just say the picture quality diminished a long time ago. I still watch it regularly and actually brought it with me when I moved to New York this august. Thank you Jesse.

And time goes on.

And as we got older and as middle school turned into high school, contact between us faded. Nothing really specific happened that I can name. There were no fights or dramatic incidences that can carry responsibility for this. We simply grew apart. Our lives took different paths and in the end we were just faces in the hallway to one another. I think about this phenomenon in friendship often. Why it happens
between good friends. I still have your Ren and Stimpy cassette. I still have our drawings. These are and have always been precious items to me, yet I don't think we even had a full conversation in high school.

And now, jesse, you've gone. Where did you go? Why did you leave? My questions for you that will go unanswered. I had actually written a comic this summer that I had you in mind to illustrate. Would this have kept you around? Would you have even considered it?

I don't know.

Part of me feels out of line even writing this when there are so many people here who knew you so much more than I. I don't know where you were at the time of your decision, so I can only speculate that you felt you had completed your purpose in this reality. But despite what you were feeling and where you were, please know this. You were always in the back of my mind when we'd pass unspoken in the hall. Your artistic sensibility will forever inspire mine.

For not knowing you for the better part of ten years, the news of your passing has greatly affected my day. I am sad. But I am fortunate to have known you and learn from you. Your brief presence in my life has left me with subtle yet long lasting effects.

And tonight, Jesse, Ren and Stimpy will play sound and true from Brooklyn to you.

If the tape can handle it, of course.

Jesse was my best childhood/teenaged friend. It still saddens me that he is gone. Being friends with him helped expose me to a lot of people I would have never met otherwise, and I will always be greatful for that.

The Melnyk's were always good to me. In fact, growing up, Bonnie was like a second mother to me. I hope you are all doing well.

Two Deaths Touch Me

A call from the father of my friend -
Had I heard from him?
Not since November 19, 2005.

In June, someone said
The son of a man I know
Duck-taped windows and doors
Lit a Weber grill in his N.Y.
Apartment and went to sleep.

My friend was gone by then
They found his car at the Golden Gate.
In the parking lot -
His backpack. $200 cash. A wet umbrella.

He Had Plenty Of Pills


All by himself, from 20 to almost 26
He gathered diagnoses
Harvested hopelessness from
Titles in the DSM IV.

Toward the end, he wouldn't take medications,
Hated them. Instead, he drew cartoon figures,
Creatures, sweet or tortured
Wrote "I hate you," listened to Cat Power
Surfed the Net and thought
More than a man should think.

Then he went numb, he said.
Everything went darker than dark.
He left no notes, no wishes for
Forgiveness, no instructions.

He was good at making you believe
He'd never do it. He had to be.
We all would have gathered to save him,
Catch him before he fell.

I'm doing my best to honor you and your art on your father's website. You're surely missed.

Jesse, I miss you every single day- Today you would've been 27, the age I was when I had you.
wish you were here. More than anything, I wish you were here.
mom

Happy Birthday, Jesse, wherever you are. I'll always love you.

xoxoxox
Aunt Sharon

. Please accept my sincere condolences
on his death.

I remember him, of course. from few years ago, we exchanged email
several times.
He told me he liked my music and he was ill and so he had to be in
home, etc.
And I was wondering these months how is he doing, because he used to
give me some comments about CDs once in a while.

Once he suggested me to put my concert's video on my web so people
could see how is my live act.
It was great help and I did exactly so and I thank him.
He always gave me proper and new ideas to develop and promote, trying
to get people know this kind, so called contemporary/experimental
music.


I really understand that you would like to find any his own things.
Now I have a family - 1 year son and my wife - but in 2002,
I lost my first wife, Kaori. She was still young(27) as I was but she
had cancer.
She also liked my music very much and suggested me lots of things.
So I think Kaori and Jesse are now talking in heaven, they have at
least one common preference.

I met Jesse when I was 14 and he was 19. We were on a cruise ship in Hawaii. He was the nicest person I met on that ship. I just searched for his name and found this. I wanted to see what he was up to. I don't know how he died.
Aaron Brown was another friend of mine who passed in February of this year. I hope they meet wherever they are.

My clearest memory of Jesse is when he permitted Lindsay and I to see his ceiling. He had papered it with Snapple Iced Tea labels. After that I thought that I would very much like to be a fly on the wall, seeing that creativity spark. I love all of you Melnyks very much.

Still missing you, Jesse, and hoping you are at peace.
love always...

thinking about you everyday. weird, random things about you. like the purple and black striped collared shirt you wore. the way your hair smelled, clean and (usually) dirty. your laugh. the way you'd slink around my house when my parents were home in your black doc martens, always a little afraid of them, i think. long aimless walks around north berkeley, solano, mostly. everything was so much simpler before we knew how to drive. our long phone conversations, and what was it that we talked about for hours after we had just spent the whole day together? but always the way you smelled. after all these years, i miss that.

An Ode to Jesse
Searching, looking...
Trying to find.
Beauties Jesse left behind,
for others...Here they are---
Listen! Church bells are ringing.
birds sweetly singing...
Dogs playing and barking
as trees and other plants bloom,
Knowing Jesse is
Where he wants to be---
In Gods' Kingdom of Love...
Singing with the Angels above.

It has been over three months since you left us,and I miss you each day in every way. You loved our house and Rossmoor's surrounding beauty; - the deer, the turkeys, the Canadian geese, even the crickets. Your big treat was when we went on a trip, long or short, and you got to housesit for us.
I think of you as often as I use my computer.l You set up so many new programs that I can enjoy. Everytime I play my music in the computer I think of you. You spent so many hours to transfer my music collection from tapes and CD's into my computer.
I also think of you everytime I need to know how something works. Then I just have to look at the detailed instructions you wrote out for me step by step. YOu knew how forgetful Grandma's can be!
We miss you eveyday in everyway. I miss seeing your smiling face wehen Grandpa would ask you is you wanted to be a lifeguard at the pool.
Then you'd give me that smile and say, "Grandma,why does he keep asking me when he knows what the answer is?" You knew he loved you and wanted to keep you close by.
Everytime I hear the crickets I will think of you.Our only consolation is that you are free of pain at last. You shall stay alive forever in our hearts.



he loved you and wanted you to find something to keep you nearby.

I am so sad and sorry for everyone's losses. Jesse was my first boyfriend ever, my first kiss, the first boy I ever said "I love you" to. I have no idea what happened, I've just been thinking about people from my past and googled Jesse and came across this site. I'm in tears. I would greatly appreciate it if someone could email me and let me know what happened and what was going on in Jesse's life since I saw him last, over ten years ago. I miss you Jesse. Love, Molly mollykatzman@yahoo.com

To the Melnyk Family-
I am sorry for your loss. Jesse was very beautiful. At the informal memorial we had several weeks ago, all the people who were close to him talked about the impact Jesse had had on their lives. Everyone felt that Jesse had a profound influence on shaping who they were. He taught us how to see the world differently;how to see the beautiful in things we might overlook, how to recognize it in ourselves, how to be creative. Jesse found beauty in a ten second snip of song, looking straight up a telephone pole, in a fruit loops advertisement, in the spirit of the people around him. It feels like in the years that I knew him, Jesse had reconstructed a piece of my heart; that he had built in me a place to love being alive. I will forever be grateful for having known him. All who were at our rememberance, whether having known him only in childhood, through high school , or as we became adults, shared how he touched all of us in similarly profound ways. We all loved Jesse very much and our thoughts are with him, and you, his family, now that he is gone.
Jesse was very beautiful and we will miss him very much.

I know two simple truths about Jesse. He had those beautiful and distinctive Melnyk eyes, like his father Mike, his Aunt Sharon, and his grandfather Frank. And Jesse was, and still is, deeply and truly loved by his family. Sympathy and and peace to all.

Jesse, your mom writes so lovingly about you. May you be surrounded by love and light forever. Send your mom comfort and peace. I know how much she misses you.

I have known Jesse for a long time, but never really knew him. The world has lost a special soul. I hope you have found peace and happiness away from pain and suffering.

Dear Jesse
When you were here I wanted desperately to reach out to you, to get to know you and to perhaps help in some small way to heal your suffering.It never happened. I've thought about writing you since you've been gone but can't find the words to fit the feelings. I want your spirit to know that there are many who love you and think of you. I want it to know that I am thinking of you now, sending you love, and missing you. Your cousin, Margo

Jesse always epitomized cool and his dynamic sense of style was fun. When he was a little kid he got me to appreciate Star Wars. Now that I have my own kid, I realize Star Wars is cool, but I honestly didn't know it back then. He was a great Darth Vader on Halloween. He changed his hair style as a teenager so often, I forgot what color it was originally. He used to collect the Garbage Pail Kids and I've got to admit they were pretty funny. He was creative, artistic and truly a one-of-a-kind thinker. And like so many young, cool and creative types he will remain forever in his 20's, never aging, never getting fat or uncool.

Dear Mike,
This much is true, simple and clear; you loved Jesse as a little boy, you loved him as a young man, your heart is broken and you love him still .You are a good and caring father, and a good and honest friend.
I send you blessings and wishes of peace for your wounded soul.

i listen close, and i can almost hear the ocean breaking down... i strain my eyes, and i can almost see you... and you are almost everywhere... and you... if i close my eyes, and make a lie, could we be back on my front porch? we'll buy a pack of cigarettes, and listen to the wave's regrets... but my head and eyes hurt... they shut down to make this not seem real... but sleeping doesnt really help... because dreaming is something you should do... but the love, my friend, that we all have for you, from the way you smile, to the way you're always there. we'll sing it just a bit more loud, and i hope when i play, you ash your cigarette by the beach, and strum along... if i close my eyes, and make a lie, could we be back on my front porch? we'll buy a pack of cigarettes, and listen to the wave's regrets, and i can almost hear the ocean breaking down. and i can amost hear the ocean.... and you.

I have so many memories of Jesse hanging out with Scott. I guess my
favorite is of Jesse directing an animated feature with Scott. The
boys were about 8 years old at the time and Jesse made these clay
figures and made a stop action film with Scott. I was amazed at such
a young age Jesse even understood how they made this kind of film. I
was constantly blown away by his creative vision.

Dear Bonnie and Mike,

No doubt you are both devastated, destroyed and in a state of bewilderment as regarding the past few weeks. We were stunned and shocked, not only by the news but for you and your other children.

When Esther called and relayed the tragedy we just could not believe it. It is a known fact that the loss of a child is probably one of the most difficult aspects to face in life. We sincerely hope that you find the strength to go on for your sake and for the sake of your children and parents.

Although we are 3000 miles away, your folks have always been extremely close to us, both mentally and emotionally. Somehow, one never forgets nor establishes a stronger relationship than existed during the formative years.

Even you, Bonnie, and Howard as well, still remain a part of us that we cherish and think of very frequently. Mike, we'll throw you in also. We still remember seeing the headboard and cabinets you made for Esther and Sam during your early years of marriage.

Now, we hope that you can move on and plan for the years to come. We have learned as we grow wiser and older that every experience we encounter should serve as a springboard for what is to come. Let's hope that Jesse's memory will be served well by addressing his interests and inner thoughts.

Our love to you both and every good wish for the future for all those you embrace and beyond.

Love,
Melvin and Norman

My Jesse

How can I write about you now without going into every feeling and memory that has come into me since you left. I want you back, but I don't want you to go through life suffering the way you did. I want us to be friends and have a happy and fun life together, knowing that you spent so many years angry with me. I still can't sort out the reasons for that, yet I would do anything to wake up from this and hear your voice again. "Dad?" you would ask when you called. I can hear that so clearly. I hope I never forget that sound.

I look at the last picture of you every day and there you are, forever 25 years old. Mom and I will get older. Lindsay and Travis will some day be the age I am now. You'll never be 26. One quarter of your life was spent in pain, getting worse, and I guess you just gave up hope. One of your past doctors told me something that hit home. Some people wake up every morning feeling healthy and happy. They look around and the world looks like a great place to be. You were dealt a bad hand. You got pain and suffering. Something broke inside you and no one could fix it. I'm so, so sorry that I failed. Your dad is supposed to take care of the problems and I can't help but feel that I let you down. All I can do now is continue to love you for the rest of my life. I'll think of you every, single day. Be happy and at peace.

Love, your dad

Dear Jesse,
I first met you when you were only a few days old. I thought you were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. You became a very cute and engaging child, a handsome young man, a caring and sensitive individual; and you were always precious to me.
Your creativity was awesome to behold. Your gentle kindness was a constant undercurrent to your unique spirit.
I wish you hadn't left so soon, but I'll try to understand why you did.
I will always love you, and I will always miss you.
Hugs & kisses,

My happy memory of Jesse is when he was about 6, visiting his grandparents and telling us he needed tadpoles for show&tell at school. I volunteered to take him, so we put on our rubber boots and waded through a lot of muck. We never found any frogs, although I had heard them in the creek. We had a really good time until his little feet got stuck in the mud, and I ended up carrying him all the way back. He loved the whole adventure.
That was Jesse.

A gentle soul and quiet speaker
using fewer words than many
but wisely choosing those he spoke
many emotions to express
and many mediums with which to do it
you are talented and good
and we will miss you

I only wish I could've gotten to know my cousin more. From what I can vaguely remember, he was such a sweet, kind person.

a fine young man. artistic & caring he could have given the
world so many wonders.

evey & eddy

Jesse , you have and always will be the sunshine of our lives. We moved to California so that we could live near you and see you grow up. We thank God for the 25 years we had to share with you.l You shall live in our hearts always.

Jesse was one of the first guys I ever played music with. I always think of the first time something spontaneously came out of that trio of us as feeling like the first time a fish decided to gulp down some air and live a different way. Jesse's in there somewhere when I play and I'll always be gratefull for it........

a poem for jesse melnyk


Last night I let go
To a thundering heart of black Prospect
Down internal the beat deafened violent wind

I let go
I let go

Into black sea and stars, your eternity
is mine
mine, in hands and tongue
I touch and taste your open coldness
Blankets of invitation and depth
Release and breathe darkness

Last night I released
And black wind carried me down

For the longest time, I felt incredibly lucky that Jesse was my kid. He was so smart, funny, creative and interesting. And he was one of the few people who had the same taste in movies as I did. I started taking him with me to see these little indie films when he was about 12 or so and he totally got them. He was so cool. I just miss him so much now. I wish i could do the last few years over and this time, do them right.

There was a point in my life when I considered Jesse to be one of my closest friends. This was a long long time ago, and I haven't seen him in years. I remember really enjoying my time with him. He made me feel good about myself during a time when I really needed that. Its very sad for me that I will now never be able to get to know him again.

Jesse's creativity is amazing, as represented by this drawing. Jesse was unique. He kept himself occupied on school field trips sketching and writing. I thought that was unusual for his young age. You could really see that he had an identity as an artist even when he was still in middle school. Jesse was a generous and compassionate friend. I knew I could depend on Jesse too when I asked him to take care of our dog, Daisy, while we were out of town. One thing I always appreciated about Jesse was that he smiled and waved hello to me, an adult, when he was a young teenager. I just always thought that reflected a really good upbringing and a very sweet person.

Rebecca A
December 20,2005

My relationship with Jesse was one of the most defining relationships I've had. He had a way of experiencing and articulating things in a way that most other people couldn't. The way I see the world every day is definitly colored by the first two years of our friendship, the interactions, jokes, experiences.